Autism, et al.

I'm stuck, I want to ask for coffee but the words will not flow. Five minutes ago, I could talk to the kids but that moment has has passed and I'm in the new moment now where my lips will not form word shapes nor my throat make a sound - it is closed, I am silent.

Situational (A.K.A. Selective) Mutism

I'm at the counter and I just need to ask for a black coffee, 2 milkshakes and 3 doughnuts but instead, I'm studying the wood grain on the countertop to try and regulate enough to be able to speak again. The coffee shop assistant is asking if I'm okay and I nod. Still silent, I can't magic my voice back. The person behind me is getting impatient:

"Are you going to order or not?"

I move aside and let them go in front of me, they mutter the R slur under their breath and it burns. I feel angry that its acceptable for them to do this for two main reasons (there are more):

1. The derogatory slur is a term that used to be applied to those with intellectual disabilities who were considered 'slower to learn' than those without - they are not 'lesser' beings but the word was then used by bullies to be mean to other kids without intellectual disabilities by calling them the "R-slur" and saying they were 'lesser' than themselves.

2. I am struggling to speak due to anxiety and overwhelm, bullying me at that point is base and makes the man a pathetic individual - however, in the moment, it hurts and causes the overwhelm to build.

Following this exchange, I fight back tears but I can't do it, and, turning to leave, I put my hood up and make for the door. The children know that mum's hood going up is a sign we need to go - many times trying to get around a supermarket, the hood has gone up and we've left the trolley in the aisle and hastily exited the store. The sunflower lanyard has been a godsend for me.

I am Autistic...

(Image of a 3d golden infinity symbol on a black background)

I say to you, dear reader, "I am Autistic" and I say it truly hoping you understand everything that means. In reality, I forget you cannot possibly comprehend EVERYTHING that means for us and nor can I, truly. Autism is a word which encompasses a myriad of differences - a 'spectrum' condition (I am not disordered - different, yes - disordered, no).

The way Autistic people experience the world, in its most basic form, from a social and sensory perspective is different from Allistic people. Our brains are wired differently but this does not HAVE to be a disability; if the majority population accepted our differences and made necessary adjustments our lives would be made easier, overnight. However, Allistic people think these adjustments would inconvenience them and make life harder for them - forget about levelling the playing field!

"If we can't see their problem, we don't have to deal with it."

Since finding my community, the Autistic community, I have had the freedom to say to others like me "how do you deal with...?" I have built a world around myself now to deal with most things in my life and therefore, being Autistic has only become a disability outside my own home. I work from home and can have my office any sensory way I need, interacting with my environment to adjust any issues before they become problematic. In my family home, we 'get' each other, all 5 of us have neurodiversity, 3 of us being Autistic; even the Autistic young person has rarely had meltdowns over anything, except school, for the last few years, because there is little external pressure on her from us to be anything other than she is; she is Autistic - and proud of it.

"Autistic Pride..."

What does Autistic pride even mean?!

Its about owning our neurodivergency, understanding it, seeking to learn more about it and do better. To be the best me I can be, to do me; no-one else can do me as well as I do, so do me the best way possible and be proud that I did the best I can. To do that, I have to know me. I have to reflect on things, no matter how hard something feels to unpick, unpick it anyway and learn what went wrong and if and how I could do better.

Back to the coffee shop...

Now, having accepted I'm Autistic, I approach the coffee shop in a different way. I don't go in anxious about whether we'll get actually a coffee, two milkshakes and 3 doughnuts, providing there's a table where I can sit with my back against a wall, I can approach the till confidently, knowing that I can power through this scenario although, accepting that how I will complete the mission will be a little different now.

I know I will be unable to speak so I don't pressure myself into that. Instead, I pull out my phone, tap it into my speech app and press a button. I always have my phone on me and therefore, if my voice shuts down, I always have a way to overcome this. This is being a proud Autistic, not fighting autism and denying its impact on me but accepting there is an impact and working ways around - using strengths to bolster weaknesses.

Thank you for reading!

E

(Image description: A coffee shop scene from behind the counter, the images is focussed on the barista's hands which are pouring steamed milk into an espresso)