"Can't you be 'normal!' Please?!"
I see questions on Social Media and other platforms relating to making an Autistic person "more normal..." The people posing these questions use terms like 'Slightly Autistic,' 'Mild autism,' 'Asperger's Syndrome' or 'High-functioning autism.' All of these 'functioning labels' are out-dated, not to mention ableist and derogatory but that's not what I want to concentrate on with this post. I want to think about the question:
How can I make "N" more normal...?
The people posing the questions mean well and don't see the issue with what they are asking. They seem to believe that making the Autistic person in their life 'more normal' will help them, maybe even 'cure' them of their lifelong neurodevelopmental disability. They don't see this is ableism and they don't see the issue is with themselves and the way society views hidden disabilities, like Autism.
My Life as an Autistic Person
I am very blessed to have the husband I have who has always respected me, even prior to my diagnosis. He has never wanted to change me and always maintains that "to change one part of me would change me and as, I am who he loves, why would he want to change me?!"
I have had numerous 'Autistic burnouts' during the course of my life. The first, aged 18 years, once I had left education and numerous others through my life from the daily grind in the workplace, pretending to be someone I'm not, knowing I didn't fit in but not really knowing why and trying so hard to. In one job, for example, I was known as 'Space Cadet' but consistently hit ally my targets some of which many others were missing so can only assume it was because I just had no idea how to interact with my colleagues! In other jobs it was literally the amount of time I had to spend pretending to be 'normal' that caused the burnout. Still other jobs, the sensory environment made me burnout or unsupportive management adding more and more pressure.
I have learnt on a personal level, how dangerous it can be for Autistics to 'mask' for extended periods and if a family member or friend, or colleagues even management, cannot accept the Autistic people around them for who they are, then the Autistic person is absolutely not the problem... regardless of 'how Autistic' they appear to those around them!
Swedish Research 2015
Autism w/out LD and Early Death
According to a very comprehensive and detailed study carried out in Sweden 5 years ago, Autistic people without learning disability are 8 times more likely to complete suicide than non Autistic folk.
Why?
Possibly because people don’t accept us for who we are. People don’t take time to understand us or learn our needs. I am Autistic, you would probably call me ‘slightly’ autistic (I have dropped the capital 'A' to lowercase on purpose) if you met me, because I am able to ‘mask’ or ‘camouflage’ my autism, however, this comes at a huge personal cost and has cost me friendships and jobs and, on a few occasions, very nearly my life when I have reached for pills or potions because its all go too much.
I have recently (in the last 2.5 years) begun to embrace my Autism and fight for my needs and rights, including making sure my working environment is suitable for my sensory needs, giving myself permission not to make eye-contact and generally being open and honest with those around me that I am Autistic and fiercely proud of being so - even delivering training to me team at work on Autism and in particular what it looks like for me, to help us work cohesively as a team.
Autistic Pride
Having Autistic Pride doesn't mean I deny the bad parts of being Autistic and only tell people about the "Superpowers" (hate that word by the way). Having Autistic Pride means that I accept who I am and I work with everything I've got. I use my strengths; learning strategies and mechanisms to use my strong areas to bolster my weak ones. If stimming is going to de-stress me, then I will stim. If I need to use my tablet to talk for me while ordering a coffee, who has the right to be bothered by that and pass judgment? Hey, I'm not hiding at home, I'm out and I've got my coffee, thank you, and if you are the person who's going to be bothered by an Autistic person ordering their coffee with a tablet because "its not 'normal'" then, actually, who wants to be normal? If normal = judgmental then I don't want to be it, thank you very much!! Autistics are some of the least judgmental folk I know, it generally doesn't cross our minds! Honestly!!
Yes, this means that, outwardly, I may seem ‘more’ Autistic to you than I was 3 years ago but that’s because I have stopped masking and my life has improved because of it, so has my family's because I am generally happier and less stressed at home; I don't spend all day at work hiding who I am! Anyone who has issues with me ‘stimming’ in my office (ie flapping or finger flicking) doesn’t need to be there, call me instead, if they don’t want to come and talk to me face to face because they have issues with the lack of eye-contact, they can send me an email, if they don’t understand that I prefer to work with the lights off and just the light from the window, again, they can send me an email! I had one Manager even say to me "Its unfair on me that you get reasonable adjustments (in relation to Autism) and I don't" and, no, she wasn't joking!
This is entirely about their negative judgments of a person making adjustments for their disability - would they judge a wheelchair user in the same way.. "Sorry, I'm offended by the fact you get to sit down all day and I have to walk around!" Or "Can't you just be 'normal' and walk up the steps like everyone else, you're such a ret*rd using a ramp!?!" Can you see how that sounds!?!? I'm a wheelchair user with an SCI too, by the way, and never once has anyone had issues with my wheelchair, only my Autism but apparently its rude to stare at a wheelchair user and fine to stare at someone stimming or call them a "ret*rd" for ordering coffee with voice app software on a tablet...
Tell me again why we would want to be more 'normal?!'
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