Eye Eye
I am learning to unmask a little...one of the first things I did, 18 months ago when I was diagnosed, was to stop forcing myself to make eye contact, which is something that makes me feel queasy but I was brought up with "Look at people when you talk to them" and "Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth" therefore, I equated eye contact with truth telling because if I couldn't look the person in the eyes, I must be lying!
Now, I excuse myself. I don't apologise but just explain I'm Autistic and that eye contact is difficult for me....
People who matter won't mind and people who mind don't matter.
In terms of my disabilities, and in relation to differences arising as a consequence of those, this is my motto. It's not the same as "screw what anyone thinks", it means:
"These are things which are inherently 'me' and, if people care about me, they would care that forcing eye contact (amongst other things) is acutely uncomfortable and I'm sure they would agree I shouldn't HAVE to make myself uncomfortable for anyone.
If a person would prefer I made myself uncomfortable for them
they clearly don't care about me"
Next Gen.
It is a sense of disAbility pride which I am also trying to instill in my daughter. I want her to be proud of being Autistic, to embrace her traits, to hone them and use them to bolster the weaker areas because being neurodivergent brings areas of relative greater strengths and greater weaknesses, eg, I have incredible 3d visual memory but conversely do not have internal audio - the inner monologue neurotypical folk have. I realised that because I have this 3d visual ability, I can do sign language in my head in place of that inner monologue so I started learning sign language!
I want the next generation of Autistic girls to be proud enough to not only explain to their peers what Autism means for them but also to be able to utilize adult support and seek help when they need it; to be proud of being different over feeding the urge to blend in.
Unmasking
There is a lot of unmasking for both myself and my daughter to do. Recognising you are different (even sub-consciously) and adjusting behaviour (copying others) begins at a very young age, the vast majority of Autistic girls have already begun to "mask" by the time they start Primary School age 4/5 and therefore parents and school can become locked in a battle where parents see a very different and distressed child at home than the calm exterior school sees.
Fine
Comments like "She's fine in school" and "We don't see it here" resonate with me. "She can't be Autistic, she can make eye-contact and smile," okay but the re-read the diagnostic criteria:
Deficits in socio-emotional reciprocity
Repetitive and/or restricted interests or behaviour
Neither of those things say 'doesn't smile or make eye contact!' I can make eye contact but even with my husband, eye contact makes me feel horrible and squirmy inside, I love him to bits and could describe his eyes in detail but if our eyes meet, the internal sensation is immediate and it isn't pleasant, he knows this but he knows it not personal!!!
In Summary
In 1991, I was 11 years old. I fell doing a summersault during a school PE trampoline lesson. I mis-judged the landing and fell onto the exposed metal trampoline frame finally finishing the fall in a crumpled heap on the floor. It was agony, my legs were tingly. I didn't cry and the teacher made me get back on the trampoline. After a few months, I was visibly growing more stiff as, inwardly, the pain was making it hard to walk and a visit to the GP was made. I was sent for an x-ray and a couple of weeks later I was in a hospital 150 miles from my home, under the knife, as an urgent repair was made to stabilize 3 vertebrae. The Surgeon's comment was one of utmost surprise that with the damage I had done I should have been in significant pain, my mum's comment was that it was okay to show if it was hurting but I couldn't, I still can't.
That is the ability to "Mask"
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