42 days, 6 hours and 39 minutes ago (as I write this), Boris Johnson announced lockdown measures in the UK. I was driving when my husband rang to tell me, asking me to pull off the road before he would explain - he know it would be a difficult call for me!
In that instant, as my husband uttered the words "We're in Lockdown," I suddenly became aware of my shallow breathing and the pains in my stomach; a sicky feeling. Other senses became alerted too and, amongst other things, I noticed how loudly my heart was pounding in my ears, how everything around me was hurting my eyes, the colours and the brightness. Heading for a moment of sensory overwhelm, I was glad I had pulled off the road because as soon as I hung up, I had no choice but to let the overwhelm have it's own way. I can't remember how long I sat there weeping silently and I can't tell you accurately what the emotion was but I was feeling it.
What then?
In the days immediately following the PM's announcement, the full extent of what this would mean became apparent in my household. What little routine I was topping myself up with while in a period of limbo between jobs, went from being manageable to the chaos of homeschooling in 24hours. As an Autistic person, I need things to be controlled and ordered. Nothing about any of this has been controlled OR ordered and I have felt very 'wobbly' with the lack of routine and certainty. It has been a struggle and I have stimmed my way through it thus far!
Poor Plans Precede Poor Performance...
I think most people know this phrase or a variation of! I am not performing well at all right now, and I would love to have been able to prepare, practise and put some plans into action but it wasn't something I could plan for, I didn't know how, I still don't, and I don't think anyone realised the path this would take - how do you know what the unknown is going to look like to make plans for it!!? I'm living on the border of overwhelm each day and managing it mostly with stimming! As a female, I shutdown more than meltdown so just keeping on keeping on right now as best as possible!
Normality - whatever that is!
I can't wait to return to work, routine, order, control etc and I feel, with these things, the escalation will return to a more manageable level, although, this large and looming, not to mention, a little unwelcome, job-change event will invariably usher in it's own set of challenges and anxieties as I join the new team!
Here's to moving forward!
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